Desperately Seeking Susan or Sam...Whoever

Why are people so desperate to find someone?

This desperation causes people to lose sight of what is important

 

This desperate pursuit of relationships is really perplexing to me as I get older

I mean the constant need to find someone….looking, looking, looking…

As if you can’t be content unless you have someone

Sacrificing precious time with family and friends….already established relationships in the pursuit of “the one”

Wasting time on the internet looking for someone to date instead of living life  today…in real time…

What is this all about?

I think it is about insecurity, spiritual and emotional bankruptcy

Why does anyone think that their happiness depends on someone else…..on finding someone…

Why does anyone think that their loneliness with disappear if they are always searching for a partner...

All of these things can be distractions to the real problem…

The real problem is you..us

If you can’t be content alone then you will never really be content in a relationship (alone isn’t two weeks before you jump back on match.com)

If you can’t be happy in yourself, with yourself, with your life,  then you will never really be happy in a relationship

If you can’t look around and see the people that love you and care about you then you will always be lonely

If you are void spiritually then you will always be searching for someone or something to fill that void

I am not a crazy 40-year old woman making this statement  because I am single

I do date...that is not the point here...

I am a crazy 40-year old woman who woke up a couple of years ago and realized what was important in life

My children and the relationship I have with them

My family

My friends

My God

I am happy today alone and filled with love from all of the above (and from above)

I live my life and fill it with what and who I love

As I live my life surrounded by the people I love, doing the things I love , being happy and fulfilled by faith...I find nothing missing

When and if the time comes for “the one” to appear... that will be an added bonus to what I already have…

My happiness is not dependent on that day.... it will only be enriched by it

Keeping It Real with Dr. Mary G

Disclaimer: if this doesn’t apply to you…then don’t get yourself all worked up…jump back on Match… I am not judging just offering a my own perspective J

The Blade of Grass on my Finger

I heard someone recently say  “we can’t get married until he has enough money to buy me a big diamond ring”

That is not what love is to me...

Love in Mary's humble opinion…..

The man I love can put a blade of grass around my finger and I will see a big diamond ring

Love is not a tangible thing

Love is not a status update about dating a big shot doctor or lawyer

Love isn’t about plastics, material gifts, big houses, fancy cars or titles

Love is being the best people you can be for each other

Love is about talking and listening

Love is not hurting someone intentionally

Love is taking responsibility

Love is saying you are sorry and meaning it…understanding and changing

Love is about accepting the apology and forgiving

Love is about flexibility, change and support

Love is seeing through the imperfections

Love is being present and supportive in the hard times and celebrating in the good times

Love is spiritual and intimate and takes time

Love is NOT a price tag

Love is not the size of the diamond ring

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

 

 

 

 

Help??? Only if You Deserve It

Everything is a little whacked…in the world…just my opinion

I have a hard time understanding some of the stuff that has been happening lately…stuff born out of hate…and disregard for others

Hours can be spent debating the cause....discussing who is to blame

What a waste of time

Pointing fingers does nothing to solve the problem

Rationalizing, overthinking, blaming others for their predicaments....not productive

I am pretty simple these days...I try to adhere to the following ideas:

Love and help others

I am no saint…not even close to being one (LOL no need to comment…you know who you are)

But what I try to do is  act from the heart on a daily basis

If I see or know of someone hurting , I have the honest desire to help them

I make it my responsibility to know what is happening and not turn a blind eye to the suffering of others

Helping is unconditional to me...it doesn't matter how a person got to the point of needing help,  what response they have, what religious background they come from, how their attitude is…

Why

Because at the very heart of being human is the ability to put aside politics, anger, classism, blame and punitive attitudes and reach out and help another person in need

Because regardless of who you are, where you come from, your political party…

The core of humanity and in the heart should be the desire to help others….

Right?

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

 

 

 

 

Waking Up and Realizing I am a Spoiled Brat

The gift of returning home

Most of you know I have traveled a lot in the last four years….been to Scotland, Ireland, Nicaragua three times, Guatemala, Bolivia, Slovenia and I am just returning home from Kenya

There is always an adjustment period when I return from any trip but especially returning from developing countries

This morning I was texting my friend from Kenya and I was going through the list of struggles I have had this week….

My tenure file is almost due and I am freaking out I might lose my job, misunderstanding at work, other work duties piling up, my ex, my sleep…..my weight

I had a moment of pure disgust when writing the text

Half way through the text I thought…”Mary you are an asshole”

I actually finished the text with me telling him I was an ass

For the obvious reasons ….but I will write them down just to give myself a good ass whooping

I am working on a tenure file…..that is right… I am an Assistant  Professor at an amazing, private university and I have a PhD…I have the privilege and opportunity to go up for tenure

A  miscommunication at work…how wonderful… it means I have a job to miscommunicate at

My Ex….no comment

My sleep….as I lay in my queen size bed with a memory foam mattress and a trillion threads of cotton sheets  and can’t sleep….WOW huge suffering

I need to lose 10 pounds…..YAY I have enough food to eat to be ten pounds overweight

My life is awesome, kids are great…I am loved

What moved me to start complaining like this upon my return?

It is the huge disbelief and feelings of being overwhelmed and helpless about the amount of suffering there is in this world

I was trying to find a way to rationalize that I have struggles too

LMAO

Okay we all struggle and yes there are things here that are not good…. violence, rape, abuse, child neglect

But honestly it is nothing like what happens in some places in the world

I feel back to my old (hey no comment) self this morning as I write this….

I don’t need to search for struggles of my own…to try and make sense of the suffering in the world…

What I need to do and will do

Is to never close my eyes and mind to what I know is happening in the world…what I must always do is remember the privileges I have being a citizen in a developed country.... and what I will always do is use that privilege to advocate for those who don’t have the opportunities…here and in the world…

How about we do that together

Love and Peace to You all Today

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

Being in Love in Kenya

 

Yesterday I did a workshop for adolescent girls and boys. I had them write down anonymous questions they may have had about relationships

Some pretty intense topics came out of those cards.....

One of the most interesting question that the kids asked me several times was....

What is love?

I have, as most of you know, written about love…

This question from kids and my time in Kenya has made me stop and re-evaluate what I think love is…

Some relationships here contain violence and assault…relationships worldwide contain violence and assault

What is love?

Reminders of what Dr. Mary G thinks love is

Love is not violent or assaultive

Loving someone should be holding someone up…being a better person for them

Love allows you to be imperfect and forgiving

Love opens the door to communication, even if the topics are difficult

Love is seeing through physical appearance

Love is unconditional

Love is an amazing and deep emotion that is hard to explain in words

I believe the above all to be true for me but I have recently been challenged on my definition of love…

Being in a different culture I have observed that many individuals here and maybe world wide don't express love like I do..

They may not openly show affection or be verbally expressive (just an observation, clearly this is not everyone)

But what I have observed is women carrying their babies on their backs for hours

Women washing clothes for their families hours by hand in the river

Men working long hours to earn a few shillings to provide food

People trying to provide basic needs for their families

People aging before their time.....struggling to survive

Teachers providing their own money to get students medical help; teachers who do not even make a living wage

Is this not love as well?

Many of us take our basic needs being met for granted

I hope to remember that love goes way beyond public displays of affection and soft spoken words

I can’t change who I am; affectionate and expressive... but I can remember that love is shown in many different ways by many people and it is just as valuable and important as the "I love you" and the hugs and kisses

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary Graham

 

 

 

The Understanding and Challenges

Those of you who know me know that I am a feeler…a processer…a thinker…

The first week in Africa has stretched me on all these levels…

Each day I come home with something new in my heart and mind

 

The love and tragedy of the people of Kenya.

Story after story

The story of a dead baby on the side of the rode…the story of domestic violence…the story of corruption and deceit from the government and police..

The story of women being separated from their children

Backstreet abortions

The incredible poverty that imprisons the slums of Nairobi

The ripped uniforms of the children

The hunger

The corruption of the government and police

The death by HIV

The death by Malaria

The death by so many curable diseases

Feeling isolated and alone

The blister on my heel from walking 6 miles a day through the slums

Being in the slums by myself not seeing another person that looks like me

The constant yells from the people

The aggressive man on the corner

At the end of this I felt like I was going to just sit down and cry…asking myself “What the hell am I doing in Africa by myself”

Then I was fed spiritually today and I remembered other things about my week

Faith

 

The power of the people

The love the people have for one another

The commitment to family

The reliance they have on each other

The strength of the women here

The smiles of the children

The love

The light

My pain and struggles are temporary in comparison to the people of Kenya and yet they hold faith, love and hope in their hearts…
In the darkness of what many Kenyans face everyday there is light

“If you don ‘t not believe that hearts can bloom suddenly bigger and that love can open like a flower out of even the hardest places then I am afraid that for you the road will be long and brown and barren and you will have trouble finding the light. But if you do believe then you already know all about the magic”  

I Believe!!!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Afraid To Live...ME TOO!!!

I use to be afraid to die and afraid to live

I am not anymore

Well that is not entirely true

 I am definitely not afraid to die. We all die (sorry to shock you) and we don’t know when. I think we all hope we live long, quality lives; but there is no guarantee

I have made peace with death and what comes after death so that doesn’t weigh on my heart as it once did

 What did I mean when I said I was afraid to live?

There was a period of time in my life where I was afraid to take risks, to take challenges, to try something different, to live…

 Afraid of rejection, failure, my safety…just fearful of it all…

 I am not anymore

 I wake up and make different choices today….

 I accept invitations, I always try new things, I take risks, I tell people how I feel about them (even if it isn’t returned), I love deeply and with great passion, I approach people, I meet new people, I trust people, I believe the best about people...

I am not afraid to live…

 I keep my eyes open so life won’t pass me by…

 I acknowledge every wonderful thing about life…

What I am really really really afraid of today…is to NOT live and miss that opportunity

An opportunity that is taken from many people too early...an opportunity that will be taken from us someday...

 Don’t be afraid to live…open your eyes before it is too late...

If you fear anything...

Be afraid to waste this awesome opportunity called.......LIFE!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

 

 

Love...Nothing to Do With It

Love has nothing to do with it…

Recently someone told me they ended a relationship with their partner and I told them I was sorry because I knew they loved that person….

They replied….Love has nothing to do with it…

I totally understood what they were saying

In the name of love people excuse poor behavior, stay in dysfunctional relationships and accept treatment that is unacceptable

You don’t have to be disrespected, devalued, taken advantaged of or used in the name of love…

Love doesn’t allow someone to talk rudely to you, to ignore your needs, to take from you, or to be selfish…

You don’t have to ride the crazy train because you love someone

Most of the time we are allowing ourselves to be treated badly by people we love that we are related to (family, our kids, etc.) or people that we have intimate relationships with….

How about considering creating some boundaries with people you love….not allowing them to tear you down or treat you poorly…

How about not losing yourself in the interest of your partner or family member

How about not thinking of yourself as not being good enough for any other scenario so tolerating what you have

How about not making the relationship more important than you are to yourself

Love has nothing to do with it…

Codependency Does

Look it up....you might be surprised at what you find out about yourself

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

My Shattered Life: A Mosaic

Those of you who know me know that I have had some tough times….grew up hard…experienced tragedy...lost people I loved...

Two years ago the damn of build-up hurt, loss and rejection burst….…41 years of it came gushing through…

I  was spiritually bankrupt….at the bottom…I was lost

At that time most people didn’t know that about me

I was pretty good at keeping "my" stuff bottled up and putting on a happy face…..

Two years ago I couldn’t mask the pain by smiling or telling jokes anymore...I broke…I shattered….I was a pile of broken glass…..shards on the ground

I stood  at the crossroads

Life was going to improve or it wasn’t…there wasn’t going to be an in-between…I was going to gather those piece of glass and create a mosaic or I was going to get ground into the earth and stay shattered and broken…unable to repair

I chose the mosaic

The idea of a mosaic sounds lovely………..but its creation was not without pain

With that pain though, came liberation, empowerment and freedom....with that pain came true joy 
 
It was well worth the work

Because of our humanity any of us can get in a position where the glass breaks….whether it is pressure from small or large life events or a lifetime of build-up pains….

None of us are above this

If the glass shatters....It doesn’t have to destroy you…define you or imprison you….

It can be a chance to recreate you…

My mosaic today is made up of the old and the new….

It has God
It has love
It has acceptance
It has truth
It has beauty
It has the reflections of an amazing life
It has the promise of an amazing life

If I wouldn’t have shattered I may not have known true happiness, joy and serenity….

I may never have known God

I realize that pieces of my mosaic will chip off, change and become recreated as life takes its toll…. but I know how to pick those pieces up…and recreate something more beautiful, more durable and stronger…

Spiritual bankruptcy is unknown to me today

I have a bank full of awesome

Pick up the pieces and create your mosaic…it is never too late

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

 

 

 

 

Breaking the Bonds of Regret

Regret is a natural human feeling

A lot of people have written, sang, cried, gotten angry, blamed others and had breakdowns and break-ups over regret….

Regret is a powerful thing in our lives

Regret holds us prisoner, ties us down, entraps us, and beats us up…

It pushes us to act from places of guilt, fear and shame

It pushes us to drown it with food, booze, drugs, relationships, material goods….anything we get our hands on to help us lighten the weight of it…

A powerful emotion in our lives if we let it be

A life without regrets....Possible?

Yes and No

Regrets are made up of past things…things we wished we would not have done or wished we would have done…things that have already happened…things we let go or missed out on…

As humans we make mistakes and with those mistakes come regrets….

However, it Is possible to understand the nature of regrets and limit their impact on our lives

The cycle of beating yourself up with regrets is not the answer

Talking about them non-stop is not the answer

The answer is understanding  the nature of your regrets, learning from them, forgiving and letting go…and not creating new ones along the way…

This might mean you have to make some changes….might have to face some fears….might have to do things a little differently

I can say my life is less and less filled with regrets and more and more filled with contentment, happiness and satisfaction

It is nearly impossible for us to be full of regrets and full of contentment at the same time

Life is really too short….to let regrets hold you prisoner…put them behind bars where they belong

Take a chance on being contented, happy and satisfied….so much better to be free

Keeping it real with Dr. Mary G.

The World Sucks and It is All My Fault!!!

This has been a negative and yucky kind of week for me. The first one I have had in a long time…..why???

Because of me, myself and I 

 It started on Sunday when someone hurt my feelings

Instead of just letting it go; I slipped back into old behavior and confronted them….via text message…

Yes that is super mature and effective (don’t suggest this way of communicating)

Guess what…it got worse…now there is definitely a rupture in the relationship

Then on a visit home there were some misunderstandings…didn’t let those go either

Then a pitcher fell off the top of the refrigerator…who puts a pitcher up there anyway…???

It fell off when my son shut the door of the refrigerator

So of course…still entrenched with negativity from the days previous….I yelled at him…

Clearly this was an accident but I yelled anyway...

As I was picking up the broken glass a chunk slipped out of my hand and sliced my finger open…deep…stitch worthy

Then

I provided a training for work and most everyone who attended liked it….except the one person who wasn’t even suppose to be there and sent me a LONG and unappreciative email….Yep I emailed back…need I explain further?

Then

I lost $30 because I was rushing around to get to the movies on time…

As this busy week ends I have come to realize I am at fault for all of the above things happening..

These things may have happened anyway….life has its ups and downs…

What would not have happened had I been practicing, patience, understanding, gratitude and acceptance…

I wouldn’t have gotten in any disagreements about things that don’t matter

I would have just accepted it…walked away…and let it go..
I wouldn’t have yelled at my son for an accident

And..

I wouldn’t have lost money had I just stayed present in the moment and stayed thoughtful about what I was doing

So here is what I have to say about this week…

I am thankful it is over

I am leaving it where it belongs; in the past

I owe some apologies

I am thankful I didn’t slice my finger completely off

I believe the person who found my money really needs it

And money or no money…I got to see an awesome movie with my kids

Negativity breeds negativity and I have the control to make things better or worse by my response and by my attitude…

Time to refocus and come from a place of gratitude and love

After all we can start our day over at any time

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

 P.S. I almost choked on a cookie tonight...literally!!!! I know better than to be eating cookies at night :)

Stuck in a Shallow Puddle

People jump in and out of relationships/friendships like they are stepping in and out of shallow puddles

These relationships are usually full of drama and chaos

Yet people continue to engage in these shallow, meaningless and stressful relationships

Why?

Because they are getting something out of them

Look at yourself

I believe the accountability is ours if we engage in these types of Jerry Springer relationships (disclaimer: this is not applicable to IPV, abusive and traumatic situations…)

We need to start examining our sense of self-worth, confidence and self-love if we continue to jump in and out of shallow relationships; relationships that devalue us…cause us grief, unhappiness and chaos

Stop and ask yourself these questions about your relationships

Are they are honest? People who are engaged in real, grown-up and healthy relationships are honest…

Do you communicate? People in deep and lasting relationships talk with one another about their joy, sadness, concerns, life, their future, their plans…..in respectful ways

Is there drama? Do you feel like you are on a b rated talk show? Drama is not a necessary component for a healthy, deep and long lasting relationship

Do you share common interests?

Is it built on support?

Do you build one another up instead of pull one another apart?

Is there jealousy, control, anger? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG

Do you trust one another?

Are you safe?

Can you be 100 percent your true self (sane and insane)?

Puddle Jumping  can be fun for a day or two but after a while it gets old….you get dirty, cold and tired….you deserve more

Stay out of the puddles and find some real relationships

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

 

 

The Day I Arrive

There are so many tragedies that happen every single day in this world…Oklahoma is no exception…

It has me thinking about life and death

I have thought of it a lot lately....

I have said it time and time again…life is short…don't wait…go for it…live…love….experience…serve others…

I still believe that philosophy....completely...not just in the wake of a tradedy....

I believe for me the most important aspects in life are relationships, love and helping others…I could care less about things..

I am practicing what I preach…I live simply and I take life by the horns and I ride it like there is no tomorrow….how we all should…..

I live by my life's philosophy

I love people…I have such wonderful relationships in my life...

I help others...

Sounds like an awesome and full life.....it is...

So have I arrived….???

NO...

Arrival is the day I take my last breath….the day my life here is done

I am hoping  my “arrival” occurs in about 60 years

There are no guarantees

What shall I do knowing this information....

Each day…..enter it as if I might “arrive”

Care for my relationships with others, forgive, ask for forgiveness, express love, let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter, stop worrying…stop fearing…

Not in the wake of a horrific event..

Every single day because this is how I want to be...how I want to live...what life is to me

And most of all....

Keep my spiritual house in order daily...

None of us know the day we will "arrive"

Prayers and love out to all those who are suffering

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Wanna Be Perfect?

What is perfect??

There is so much pressure in this society to be perfect. Have the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect clothes, perfect house, perfect kids, perfect everything..

Who gets to define perfect?

Not the media, not the neighbors you are competing with, not society…

You and you alone get to define perfect

To me the perfect body is the one I have…flab and all…

The perfect hair..mine…tangled, mangled, blonde, roots showing…mine..

The perfect skin…my 43 year old skin..

The perfect clothes….my yoga pants, t-shirt and flip flops..

The perfect house…my tiny little one story rancher with no more than 1,200 square feet in it..

The perfect kids….my sweet 11 year old and my beautiful loving 16 year old..

The perfect partner……a man that is honest, who is loving, compassionate, who will try new things, who helps others, who makes me laugh, who laughs with me, easy to talk to, listens…who loves life and God….the perfect partner…the one I chose….mine..

Stop trying to live up to what others define as perfect...

Perfect is what you want it to be….Perfect is what you are today

You are Perfectly made...acceptable in all ways...

Living life....a lot less pressure this way.. 

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Attractive.......Hot!

Are you attractive?

I just recently watched the documentary “The Secret” and was reminded of how negative and positive energy really works…

The basic premise is…The law of attraction…

I have been practicing this philosophy about 70 percent of the time over the past two years….it works...I am living proof..

But I do slip occasionally…

My new goal is to practice it 99.9 percent of the time…

Why..

Because what I have noticed is that when I do slip and I am negative, cranky, whinny, and obnoxious.... I get surrounded by those who are the same; situations that evoke more of those feelings….negativity breeds negativity…

For example, on a recent flight there was a gentleman that was angry. I don’t know why but he was scowling and slamming things around and just looked miserable…it was noticeable to the other passengers…

When he got up to go to the bathroom he hit his head on the tv projector in the isle…

Why…because negativity breeds negativity (and he was really tall)

My point is…pay attention to the days when you are throwing negative energy out to the universe and I guarantee you will notice that your day does not get better but gets worse…you wind up hitting your head on the tv in the isle…

I felt a little relapse of that today….

I wanted to shout out cuss words but what I did was I immediately shouted out to the universe thanks for all I had….took 5 minutes to write a gratitude list and took a deep breath…my whole day changed…my whole attitude changed…

If you want things to stop being negative…stop being negative…if you want things to be productive…start being productive…if you want people to appreciate you…appreciate them…if you want love…love..

It is all right there waiting for us…

It is not a secret....it is common sense

Keeping it real with Dr. Mary G

Stuff some peanut butter in it...and fall in love with life

I have been talking to a few people lately that are really hard to tolerate

Why…

Because they are so negative…about everything…..refuse to see anything good in their lives….they have no loves…complain...nothing is ever enough

Time with them and people like them are good reminders for me; helps me refocus on what I love and what makes me happy

Here I go..

I love waking up to a hot cup of coffee and a newspaper by my bed on a Sunday morning

I love the sound of birds and the smell of lilacs

I love eating peanut butter and jelly…one scoop at a time out of the jar

I love the sunshine

I love the feeling of having God in my heart

I love starbucks

I love walking in Nature

I love meeting new people

I love my gym

I love to workout

I love books…bookstores…book marks….book lovers

I love the food network

I love cupcakes

I love to dream and plan and create and dream some more…I love I am a dreamer

I love an adventure

I love you….and you…and you…even If you don’t want me to

Happiness for me is simple…I love life…everything about it…even during the times I struggle…

Everything can be a gift...you don't need a BMW or a Mansion to be happy...you don't need the most money on the block...

It is all about your perceptions of life...

The next time you feel negative and miserable…grab a jar of peanut butter….a jar of jelly and a spoon…one spoon at a time….and enjoy the simple joys life has to offer

Enjoy what you have and fall in love with it….I promise your life will be so much happier and much more serene

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G