The Frog I Kissed that Turned into a Prince

I kissed a frog and he turned into a prince…………..NOT!!!

I am here to clear something up…kissing frogs is a fantasy…no prince will come out of this behavior…I have tried…I have kissed them, showered them with love, been understanding with them, helped them, given to them…fed them lots of flys...no prince ever emerged..

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I have many friends that are single and many friends that are in relationships/marriages.

This is not true for all ,,,,but the general theme I am finding is that there is deep dissatisfaction in personal relationships.

Why is this?

Do we settle?

Do we stop putting forth the effort into making it work?

I can list the many reasons why.

The why is not important right now.

The important question is...

Is my idea of a good relationship a possibility or a fantasy?

What I think a good relationship is…

·         Two people who love one another unconditionally but work really hard to be the best person they can be because they are in a wonderful partnership.

·         Lots and Lots of Communication…

·         Acceptance of one another

·         Consideration for one another

·         Two people that disagree, struggle, face life’s ups and downs…TOGETHER

·         Equality

·         Mutually shared and loved activities

·         Independence

·         Passion ( I can’t get rated R here because I have younger readers….you know what I mean)

·         Emotional Connection

·         Two people that recognize they have issues (we all do) and are continually working on those issues to be a better partner and person    

These things seem pretty straight forward. I am hoping that at some point in my life I will have a relationship like this “fantasy” relationship. A relationship with someone I love unconditionally and is my best friend.

Because

In the end a frog is a frog and will be nothing more or nothing less…Let’s stop wasting our time on kissing the frogs and risking getting some screwed up frog disease..

We are worth more than that..

For me, today in my life, being alone is better than being with a frog..

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Babysitter No More

I was having dinner with a close friend and she used the phrase “babysitting someone’s happiness”.

The phrase struck me so much that I thought it was important to share my thoughts about what the phrase means to me.

As a kid, I hated babysitting.

Why did I hate it? 

 I had to pay constant attention to the kids, play what they wanted to play, tell them what they wanted to hear so they wouldn’t cry, eat what they wanted to eat, wipe their noses and their bottoms and hope that they gave good reports to their parents so that I would get my small amount of pay.

I didn’t babysit much as teenager…for those exact reasons.

So why do I babysit as an adult?

What I have discovered is that I have babysat a lot as an adult.  I have babysat people’s happiness.

People in my life; it is important to me for them to be happy….

So what have I done…

I have given constant attention to them… done what I thought they wanted to do, told them what they wanted to hear, appeased their needs, entertained them, bought them gifts..did my best song and dance...

Unbalanced on the side of trying to keep them happy...."babysitting their happiness"

At some point I felt in charge of their happiness…just like a babysitter.

I am here to tell you that I am done babysitting people’s happiness. I will only be responsible for my own happiness.

I will commit to be a loving person; kind, present and accepting. I will commit to providing people (family, friends, partners, and my children) unconditional respect, support and love.

What I will not do is take on the responsibility of making them happy.

 I will live my life being honest, caring and supportive in relationships but I will not fret over nor will I own another's misery.

If you are unhappy...do not blame others for that...do not look to others  to make you happy…that is false happiness and will not last.

If you are babysitting another person’s happiness….STOP! You are doing them, yourself and the relationship no good.

Babysitting another person’s happiness gives you nothing but stress, heartache, guilt, blame and shame…far less than the small amount we were paid when we babysat for a job.

Happiness is internal and not external and is an individual’s responsibility.

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

Checking in and out of the Heartbreak Hotel

I have had my heart broken many times in my life; like most of us...

What does it mean to have your heart broken?

What it means for me is intense emotional pain, anguish, and sadness over something that is happening or happened in my life.

I have had my heart broken over several things in my life. Loss of friendships, relationships, and loved ones.

 My heart breaks when I see someone I love in pain.

What do I do when my heart is broken?

 Well my old self stuffed the pain...avoided it... ignored it...rationalized it and/or tried to numb it. I just tried to pretend it didn't happen.

I have recently had the chance to practice what I would do now if my heart was broken.

What I did was slip back and tried the old way of dealing with it...old habits die hard!

I tried to ignore it. I tried to blame myself for it; I tried to convince myself it wasn't there; I tried to get a rewind.

What happened when I did this...It made it worse!! Caused some insanity.

What I am slowly realizing about painful experiences is that I have to face them. I can't ignore them; I can't wish them away; I can't pretend they didn't happen.

I have to deal with them at "their" pace and not at my pace. I have to allow myself time to feel hurt and sadness before I move on. I have to recognize that being human means having my feelings hurt. Sometimes hurt badly.

I am learning to let myself sit with the pain until it passes; I am attempting not to overanalyze it and I am accepting it as a part of life.

I realize that the only way to avoid heartbreak is to stop opening myself up to love from others
.
For me that is not living.....I know that on the other side of heartbreak is enormous love and joy and that is what  makes a life worth living.

What I also know for sure is that heartbreak heals and the storm never lasts forever....

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

ANGER............GRRRR

Is anger helpful?

I think it can serve as a motivator, a behavior changer, a way to get unstuck if you are stuck.

I think anger can serve a purpose if it is growth oriented.

What I mean is that if you get angry at yourself for doing something you wish you wouldn’t have done then use it to change your behavior.

If you are angry at injustice that is taking place in the world and that motivates you to change something to help other…work it to your advantage!

If you are angry because your job is miserable, your relationships are bad, your health isn’t what it use to be…use the anger to motivate change…do it do it do it…

What anger should not be is a prison that you are held in. Anger can become your enemy if you don’t deal with it or if it is displaced.

Often times our anger gets displaced and we project it in ways that are hurtful to ourselves and others..

Anger can cause you to treat yourself and others badly. Anger can result in you losing your dignity, self-respect and rational thinking.

I have gotten irritated over the last year but I haven’t gotten angry to the point where I gave it power….I did recently.

I got angry and said things I didn’t mean to a friend…damage done…that is what anger does…damages relationship and sometimes in this case, the damage will not be repaired.

What was my growth in this…

1.      A reminder that anger is a secondary emotion and I need to deal with the primary emotion first so the anger disappears

2.      Accepting that primary emotion…in this case…my feelings got hurt and I was sad and had I dealt with that for myself then I wouldn’t have lashed out and hurt a friend.

3.      Take a moment before responding in any situation you feel angry in

4.      Accepting my humanity…damn it I am not perfect!

5.      Owning my own emotion...not blaming my anger on someone else…all me

So if you are angry about something or someone….where is the anger coming from? Are you hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, sad…

Deal with that first…see what a difference it makes…

Use it as a way to change…

Don’t stay prisoner to it…a huge waste of time

I fought anger and anger won…one time this year….he won’t be winning again anytime soon..

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Rules to Live By...Going Back to the Basics

I have written about a lot of things in my blog. I have written about love, relationships, family, personal growth and friendship. The last few years as you know I have had ups and downs. When I reflect on my life I realize how lucky I am and how grateful I am to have had the love of such wonderful people. Here are some solid life rules I have come to believe to be true. My disclaimer is that I have discovered these through personal experience, life and love. All may not apply to you and they are listed in no particular order:

1.      Material items mean nothing

2.      Never judge another person; you have no idea what they are dealing with in their lives

3.      Work should not be your primary focus

4.      Forgive others; it is the only way to move past anger, resentment and blame

5.      Forgive yourself

6.      Find a good life partner; a person that compliments you, supports you, accepts you unconditionally and loves you

7.      Don’t live in fear…that is not living

8.      Take risks, healthy, fun and adventuresome risks

9.      Don’t be trapped by guilt and shame…move on

10.  Stop worrying about what other people think about you

11.  You are accountable to yourself. If you are spiritual you are accountable to your higher power; nobody else

12.  Show as much compassion to yourself as you do your friends, family and neighbors

13.  Give to others

14.  Don’t let real love slip away; fight for it

15.  Find your passion and go for it

16.  Life is about choices. If you chose wrong then chose again

17.  Don’t accept what can be changed

18.  Love, love, love

19.  Say you are sorry to your children

20.  You are not perfect; you never will be

21.  Fate is not the only thing to consider; get off you fanny and make things happen

22.  Surround yourself with happy and healthy people

23.  Exercise

24.  Eat chocolate

25.  Eat lots of chocolate

26.  Take naps

27.  Take naps with someone you love

28.  Take naps with your kids

29.  Laugh

30.  Laugh at yourself

31.  Lighten up…nothing is worth that much emotion

32.  Tell the people in your life how you feel about them

33.  Communicate your true and honest feelings…don’t be afraid…do it

34.  Trust in yourself

35.  Trust in others

36.  Be okay with being wrong

37.  Be okay with admitting you are wrong

Life is about living and these basic rules serve as a guide for my life. Do I break them? Yes I have broken every single one of them on my list. I have broken lots last few days.... but what I always go back to are numbers 5 and 12. I forgive myself today and am showing compassion to myself today. Back to the basics tomorrow....

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.