What Will You Give This Season???

The holidays are upon us and there is so much stress on buying gifts and making sure they are wrapped perfectly…

Gifts of meaning are not given in fancy boxes with ribbons. They are given through understanding, compassion, love and presence. Those are the gifts that are remembered a lifetime...

I didn’t learn this lesson until I was older. It is unfortunate that many people never really learn this lesson.

This holiday season I have reflected on past gifts from loved ones lost. My father has been gone for twenty years and I have no memory of any material gift he ever bought me..what I do remember:

The many old time westerns we watched together as I curled up next to him on the couch….the times he let me ride shot gun on the tractor as he drove it out to the orchard… the old school boxing matches we watched together…the walks he would go on with me and patiently listen to me ramble non stop about everything I saw. The gift of seeing him love and cherish my mother; brushing her hair every single night. The endless stories he told me about riding the train in search of work and adventure for half of his life…

My brother has been gone for fourteen years and I have no memory of any material gift he ever bought me…what I do remember: 

The endless episodes of Dr. Who we watched together…the fried potatoes….the trip to the corner grocery store…watching WWF wrestling….the time he cared for me when I was sick…listened to me and understood me…

My wish is  that I would have realized how precious these gifts were during the time I received them…that lesson was learned to late to tell them thank you for all they gave to me..

What I did realize was...they were not looking for a “thank-you” or “gratitude”. My father and brother gave to me out of compassion, understanding and presences...from the love they had for me...

I don’t make the mistake of not realizing the gifts that are bestowed upon me now…the ear of a best friend when I am in pain, the compassion shown to me by others in time of crisis, the unconditional acceptance and care from an unanticipated relationship…..honesty…pure honesty…even if painful the respect given by being honest...a gift for sure...

I don’t make the mistake of not giving gifts of time, compassion, love and honesty. I don’t take for granted those who give these gifts to me. Sometimes the gifts aren’t clear but if you step back and reflect…it becomes crystal clear and you start to understand what it is to give and receive….

What are you giving this holiday season…big fancy plastic items....or time, compassion and honesty…what will your loved ones really remember...

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

The House that Mary is Helping Build

I am currently in a relationship with someone that is different from any relationship I have ever been in….

It is solid, honest, full of warmth and integrity, trust and acceptance. I have had relationships in the past that I have thought were solid but as time passed it became apparent they weren’t….they crumbled to the ground like poorly built houses.

Some crumbled during the first storm…some crumbled after a lifetime of storms….but they all crumbled…

What makes this one different?

There are many aspects that make this relationship different for me…..

 First and foremost, I am not building this one on my own.

Re-evaluating past relationships I have discovered that often it was me doing most of the building…the other person not engaged in the process…..or.....me begging or pleading for the person to engage…to help build…or me…tearing it down out of anger, sorrow, resentments, and hopelessness. 

 For many reasons these relationships were not build on solid foundations. Like houses built on sand…they sank into the ground……..

This time I am building a relationship with someone.  Together we are building the foundation, brick by brick and stone by stone. Neither of us forcing it to be built…..neither of us pushing our own agendas…

The foundation of this house is based on friendship, communication, deep respect, loyalty, support, value, grace, God, and presence.

What will the house look like…I have no idea and I don’t care….no expectations….

How long will it take to build….no idea…don’t care…no expectations….I just know that we are building a strong foundation…..together…

Will the house last forever….that’s not the point…it is being built today, the right way…brick by brick and stone by stone.

I have learned that I don’t need to know the answers in this relationships in regards to longevity, the why’s…the how’s….

What I know is I finally know how to build a house the right way…and this is a lesson I will never forget.

Are your relationships built on sand or stone?

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Going the Distance

I run, that is what I do…that is what I have done in the past….not in a good way..

 I have a good friend who in the last year has gotten me into real running. She said to me that it was amazing how fast I was able to pick it up and go distances. It occurred to me it is because I have been running my whole life.

When things get tough my past solutions have been to run away from them through physical change or avoidance. When things are bad….I run…. I run fast…..the problem is….I get tired and have to stop  and whatever I am running from catches up to me….      `

What we all know to be true is that we can’t run from ourselves. We can change careers, friends, and partners but at the end of the day we still have us. I still have me and I can’t run from me….

Running isn’t entirely bad for me….there has been situations I needed to change, leave behind….so I have developed new strategies with my running..

First and foremost I am in shape physically and emotionally so I can run…leave the bad stuff behind and not run from myself…

In adverse times I have learned to slow my pace…. …not stop entirely but slow down….recover…a nice jog…

Sometimes I walk and walking is acceptable…stopping and catching your breath is acceptable…I have learned to deal with different situations at different paces…

I recently had the urge to run again. For a different reason…..things are good…really never been better…..and I have and had the urge to run away from the good things…..based on fear…self-worth….who knows….

I am stopping myself from doing that…I am turning the corner and running back toward the good stuff…where I belong…acceptance…running to the good in my life is giving me strength and will sustain my pace for when I need to go the distance and deal with adversity..

Don’t run from yourself, slow your pace, don’t be afraid of jogging or walking or being still…

Avoidance is not the answer….

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary Graham

The Spokes on the Wheel

I relate my life to a moving wheel with spokes. One spoke is my emotional self. One spoke is my financial self, one my spiritual self, and one my social self.  For the first time in my life or at least in my long term memory, all the spokes in my wheel are strong and moving in the right direction. I am staying straight on the road headed on the right path, my path.

This has not happened by chance. I realized that I have nurtured and tuned up each spoke on my wheel in order to be where I am today. This process did not happen overnight. It took a lot of work. It took time, attention and was painful.

 I realized that in my life when one of my spokes was weak and needed attention I ignored it and rationalized not taking care of it because the wheel was still working.

 I didn’t want to address it because it was still “functioning”.  I was still moving through life even though I was bent and malfunctioning. 

 I finally realized that the wheel may have appeared to be functioning but not addressing the weak spoke put strain on the other spokes in my life and I was unbalanced and unhappy. 

How did I get all my spokes strong? I slowed down....stopped.....took each one off the wheel.... examined it.... tuned it up and put the wheel back together. 

 I had to deal with each area of my life...... really deal with it in order to feel whole and happy.

I tackled my finances as a new single woman. I strengthen my emotional self through the support of good friends, resilience, fight, counseling, accountability and acceptance. I stopped fighting and blaming my God and we came to an understanding; a real relationship that I now understand and internalize. I left dysfunctional relationships with women and men.  I accepted being alone. I reached out and have made new relationships socially and personally. Those that are healthy and nurturing.

My wheel is strong and it is carrying me to where I want to go.....to places I only dreamed of before.

 I know this will not always be the case. Like any piece of equipment my wheel will break and weaken. I know I cannot ignore issues that come up. When my spokes weaken I need to tune them up, take them off and put them back on. The maintenance of these spokes is not the responsibility of a mechanic; it is the responsibility of me. I am responsible for my happiness, my finances, my health and my spirituality. I am the mechanic of my wheel of life.

What spokes in your life are weak and need tuned up and nurtured?

I promise you that if you strengthen all the spokes on your life wheel you will start to move in the direction you always wanted to but only dreamed of…

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Work the Glass Cleaner

Mirror on the Wall…Who is the Fairest of Them All….NOT ME

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Who do you see when you look in the mirror? What kind of person are you? How do you describe yourself? The inside and outside self.

For a long time I would look in the mirror and I would see someone that wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough.

The vision of not being good enough has been in my mirror for way to long. That vision has placed me in positions of pain and regret. It has caused me to sink in the midst of others. To refuse to accept my personal worth on an intellectual, emotional and spiritual level. I have let it position me in places of invisibility. 

There have been many times in my life in which I refused to even look in the mirror. It may have been because of fear of seeing the real me…the real situation. It may have been because of seeing the powerful me and knowing I needed to change…it may have been out of regret…

The reasons of those mirror visions will be unpacked at a later date but for now I am done looking in the mirror seeing the hurt, unworthy, not good enough kid.

I have spent too much time not seeing who I really am….I am done avoiding my reflection. I am ready to see myself as I am, as I should be, as I was and as I hope to be…..

I purchased a giant bottle of glass cleaner at Costco and I have been spraying and scrubbing my mirror and this is what I see…

I see the hurt child but I also see that child that has grown up into an outstanding adult. I see a woman who cares about others. A woman who is loyal and loving. I see a woman who accepts others unconditionally. I see and accept imperfections. I see fun.  I see beauty. I see intelligence. I see spunk and passion. I see fear. I see love. I see the crows feet, I see the wrinkles, I see the smile lines, and I see me…I finally really see me.

I can now look in the mirror without looking away. I can stare into that thing and understand the power and beauty of me. I still need the glass cleaner from time to time but not as much as I use to…the vision is clearer…

After all…

Mirror Mirror on the Wall…who gave you the right to decide who the fairest of them all is…

Who gives you the right to dictate to me what is fair and good? Not me…I am in charge of deciding who is the fairest of them all…not you…

Fair to me is looking in the mirror and having complete acceptance of where I am today. Crows feet, smile lines, squishy stomach and all…

I am exactly as I should be. I am not perfect physically, emotionally or spiritually but I don’t want to be…I am fair in all areas of my life….as I continue to grow and learn…

Mirror Mirror on the Wall…who is the fairest of them all…I AM I AM…and so are YOU