Big Old Cry Baby

Today I felt like crying….letting out a hard core scream and letting the tears flood…

Why

For tons of reason……….none of them hormonal!!!!!

I wanted to cry over the pain of my childhood, my failed marriage, my kids having hurt, over deeply loving another and being rejected, over all the people that are suffering, over the condition of the world….just wanted to cry over feeling sad and having pain in my heart…

 I wanted to cry because my life is so amazing, because so many people love me and accept me for me,  for being supported, for my amazing kids, for my friends who saved me when I was a kid,  for my friends who saved me when I was an adult, for all the blessings I have had…all the blessings I have….for all the joy in my heart..

So I did…..

I sat down and cried like a baby…..let the tears and the snot flow….I cried over all the pain and joy I have in my heart

I haven’t done that in a long time....

I remembered how good it can be…how healing tears can be…

Today I am not afraid of my emotions, any of them…….sadness and joy

Today I am reminded of how great it is to feel

Today I am reminded of how great it is to be a person with the ability to love deeply and passionately

A person who feels pain....

A person who laughs until she pees her pants...

A person who weeps...

Today I am reminded of how great it is to be alive!!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Are You Drowning? Save Your Own Self This Time

If you didn’t know how to swim would you jump into the deep end of a pool to save someone from drowning?

Okay that is a loaded question….maybe you would…depending on who it was but we are not talking about people really drowning…

This is just a metaphor....

I have a tendency to jump into the pool and try and save people from drowning….even at times when my "swimming" skills are lacking...

People who are emotionally drowning

I do this by being emotional supportive, financially supportive, by being present at all times….by putting their needs ahead of mine...

By somehow taking responsibility for their life and issues…

This is how it looks...

Mary jumps to action...puts on her wonder woman life vest and her full  blown heroism appears and she  jumps in for the rescue…

What happens during these heroic attempts?

Mary drowns too!

Sometimes along with the person I am attempting to rescue and sometimes the person is saved and I am the lone one to drown...

Either way...bad ending to the story

If people want to drown by their lack of willingness to save themselves, their dependence, their instability, denial and their lack of commitment to change

No one, not even me, can save them....

What is the moral of this story???

Sometimes you need to save  yourself...

You are no help to anyone if you have allowed yourself to be suffocated by others and not attended to your own emotional needs... 

Don’t get me wrong; I believe in helping others and supporting people…friends and strangers

What I know now is that I can’t live someone’s life for them, I can’t make them be happier by my actions, I can’t force them into changing or adjusting or seeing it the way I see it, I can’t make them or wish anything for them

Trust me... I have tried to want good lives for lots of people I love and me wanting it doesn't make it happen...

They need to want it...They need to work for it...

Sometimes you have to save yourself and worry about yourself, your life, your emotions and your wellness

What I can do is offer a life vest, a towel and be present when they emerge...

What I can't do, What I won't do... is take responsibility for them and be pulled under..

It is possible to support someone, love someone and be present for someone without letting them take you down

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Ready or Not...Here it Comes

I recently heard a character in a movie talk about “The point of Impact”

That moment in one’s life when everything changes...

That moment you don’t see coming….but it does come and life is never the same after it..

I believe those moments...those points of impact in life can be both good and bad…

When the good comes I am overjoyed and super prepared for the happiness it brings....

But how about the points of impact….the crashes…in which we don’t see coming and we aren’t prepared….

Point of impact 1

When I was 21 years old and got the phone call that my dad had died suddenly

Point of impact 2

When I was 26 years old and got the phone call that my brother had been murdered by a 14 year old wheeling a gun…

Point of impact 3

When my relationship of 18 years ended and the after math of that…

Point of impact 4

Heartbreak beyond belief 

What I have discovered in myself is that I am always ready for joyous life changing events but I have seldom been ready for those points of impact that have forced me to my knees in pain and sorrow….

Can we ever be ready for those?

I believe we can…I believe I can…I believe I am…

What is different now in my life is that I am surrounded by healthy people who love me unconditionally....who will pick me up when I need them to...who will be there no matter what...

What is different in my life is that I truly love myself.... flaws and all and when that point of impact comes I won’t jump to the self-damaging and unhelpful ways of coping

What is different in my life is that I am spiritual ...I am sure I will  still be on my knees in pain and sorrow but also in humility and asking for help from something outside of myself

What is different in my life is that I don’t need to pretend anymore that I have all the answers and that I don’t need help

What is different in my life is that I am not waiting for that point of impact…not worrying….not dreading when it will come again…I don’t think about it…

I know I am living life on life’s terms and there will be other points of impact...it will come again someday and life will change because of it… but I am not afraid and I am not alone and when it comes again I know what to do and who to turn to…

Points of Impact, unfortunately, are a part of being human but...

 I know how to experience them now, how to honor them and how to rise again to my feet once they have passed...

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Forgiveness-A Weakness??

There have been some people that have done some terrible things to me during my life…

From the time I was little till recently…

People have stolen, hurt, lied, taken advantage of, deceived, manipulated and used me at different times in my life...

Family, Foe and Friends….sometimes hard to tell the difference…

What about this thing called forgiveness?

In the recent months I have come to really understand what forgiveness means to me…

It means that I don’t give head space to those who have hurt me anymore…

I don’t think about the things they did to me…

I don’t resent them any more…

I don’t wish them harm…or bad Karma

I don’t long for an apology or an amends…

I don’t want back what they took or what I gave..

I try to fight giving them one inch of my time…emotionally or physically..

It isn’t that I don’t get hurt anymore because unfortunately that is a part of life…

It is what I do with the hurt….what you do with the hurt….that gives us real power

Forgiveness has given me a sense of peace and understanding and wisdom I never had before….

Forgiveness to me has been a key to my freedom and a path to a bigger and brighter future…

Forgiveness to me is powerful and it makes me strong

Forgiveness of Others and Myself...

Absolutely a Strength!!!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G