The Big Bad Bridge

You might not believe this but I use to be afraid to drive across the Astoria Bridge.

A long bridge that spans 4 miles over the Columbia River…

I would have to pull over and have someone drive over the bridge for me or I wouldn't go...

I use to be afraid to fly, to drive on the freeway, to believe I deserved anything good…

I was afraid of what people thought of me; afraid I would disappoint people..

How did this happene to me.....

I wasn’t afraid as a teenager 

 Somewhere in my early 20’s I let fear freeze me and imprison me…for a long long time..

Hard to believe coming from a woman who in the past five years completed a PhD, left an unhealthy relationship, addressed some painful  and real issues,  traveled to 7 countries and…….I don’t even know how many States

A woman who now on a dime will rock climb, hot air balloon and take any adventure or opportunity presented..

How did I for so long stay trapped in my own fears...

It snuck up on me....little by little...year by year...

The reasons don't matter...

What matters is how I thawed...

How did I unfreeze….

I stepped off the path that I allowed someone to create for me………I had faith that my life could and would be better…

Faith is a powerful thing...

I stopped being a passenger in my life and decided to take the wheel..

I stopped blaming everyone for my situation, unhappiness..

I  took responsibility for myself and my life...

I stepped off the cliff and believed I would find solid ground…

I did!! I found more than solid ground

I found  spirituality, humility, awareness,  true love, and happiness

I still experience fear, I still have sadness, I still hurt….I am a human

What is different is I don’t let it trap me or stop me from living the life I always wanted to live

I don’t let it stop me from being the me I have always wanted to be

I experience the feelings, I speak to them, I let them go and I live.....

Don’t be afraid to cross the bridge….experience it, speak to it, let it go and live

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

What's Love Got To Do With It....EVERYTHING

We hurt the people we love the most………..RIDICULOUS

Have you heard that phrase? I am here to dispute that saying and behavior. To me that is a load of….

Really we hurt the people we love the most?  That makes absolutely no sense to me on a basic level…

I think someone made that up to justify being treated terribly over and over by someone that “loved” them…

Love to me isn’t being rude to someone, taking advantage of them, using them, manipulating them or treating them badly…

That is not love to me….

If you love me don’t treat me like a doormat, take advantage of me, call me names, take your bad days out on me and be an overall jerk…

To me love is kind and gentle….it is patient and giving….it is mutual and respectful….it is  happy and good…

Love is honesty and support in good and bad situations

We all have bad days and snap at those we love… lose our tempers… are irritable and sometimes inconsiderate…we are human beings…

But if you want to prove you love me the most by consistently being rude to me, taking advantage of my kindness, using me, manipulating me then…. I am here to tell you that I can do without that kind of love…..that isn’t what I deserve…

The kind of love I want and will find someday is mirrored in this slightly adapted quote (modified by mg)

I want a man who calls me beautiful instead of hot, a man that is kind and honest, a man who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat and who will stay awake and watch me sleep because he thinks I am amazing, a man that kisses my forehead and holds my hand, who wants to show me off to the world when I have my baggy sweat pants on and my Pittsburgh Steelers sweatshirt on, a man who thinks I look stunning all the time, with and without makeup, a man who tells me he loves me and cares about me and how lucky he is to have me, a man that turns to his friends and says “that’s her”….

In return

 I will be the woman who doesn’t care about the bald head and chubby belly, the woman who is kind and honest,  the woman that will be his best friend, the woman who will cuddle up to him on the couch when his football game is on (even if it isn’t the Steelers), the woman who thinks he is amazing and is his number fan, the woman that holds his hand, kisses his cheeks and wants to show him off to the world… even when he hasn’t trimmed his nose hairs the woman who turns to her friends and says “that’s him”….

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

The Shallow Lives We Live

Many people live plastic and hollow lives….

They live beyond their means to prove that they are successful or accomplished or worthy

Trying to convince themselves and others they have “arrived”

For a second in my life I thought I wanted a nice house and a nice car and a nice wardrobe….that lasted a very short amount of time. That was someone else’s definition of success. That was someone else’s life

I came from nothing material. ...My parents were not educated beyond the 8^th and 9^th grade....Both worked as migrant workers and farm laborers most of their lives

No health benefits, dental coverage, retirement plans; let alone fancy vacations, cars, houses or plastic things to make me or my family feel better

Growing up I intermingled with two types of people…those who really hated me and taunted me for no other reasons besides that I was poor, trashy, unstylish, always smelled musty and smoky…and lived in a trailer in a trailer park

And…

There were those who didn’t seem to mind my stench (I was clean) and my family’s income…or where I laid my head down to sleep….they were kind and gentle and were my friends…..some raised in similar backgrounds but some coming from the “haves”

When I was a kid I was so envious of the “haves” ….I believed that people that had lots of things and looked really good on the outside were happy

I wonder if they were envious of me??

I doubt it….they should have been...

Why

Because I understand firsthand what it is like to be disregarded as trash for doing nothing more than being poor and looking different

I understand firsthand what it is like to go without basic needs

I understand firsthand what it is like to have your teeth pulled because the dentist gives you no other options because you don’t have insurance

I understand how important it is to accept people for who they are as people not for the things they may or may not have

I understand how important a little encouragement and acceptance goes

I understand working for everything I have ever gotten in my life

I understand the power of relationships....Ones that are true and real….ones that are based on love, kindness, compassion and empathy

Ones that can’t be built on anything else but those qualities because I had nothing else to give

Maybe the “haves” of my past shouldn’t envy me….what I wish is that they would have had the ability to really see me.....

I am by my own definition a “have” today. I have dental and medical insurance. I never go without food. I have a house (an actual house). I have the ability to travel with my children. I have a career.

I have the ability to love and care about people without regards to possesions or plastics

I wonder without those childhood experiences would I have the ability to see a human being for who they are in their heart and soul first…not defining them by their material goods….

Maybe I wouldn’t trade my childhood experiences in after all….I would never want to be a person who judged others by anything other than their heart, soul and compassion

How do you judge?

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Why Freaking Why???????????????

Are you spending too much time wondering Why?

I have wasted a lot of time wondering Why at different periods in my life.

Why did I get the short end of the stick in childhood?
Why did I have more struggles and barriers growing up than others?
Why was I given a childhood of poverty and disarray?
Why did someone I loved with all my heart....the "one" not love me back?
Why did my father die when I was young?
Why did my brother get killed when he was young?
Why is the world the way it is…why why why why why….

Are you noting a theme...always asking why bad things happen...looking to make sense of it...

I don't ask myself
Why I have two beautiful children..
Why I am loved by many friends and family
Why I have a rocking career
Why I have wonderful adventures
Why I am so blessed to travel the world

So much easier to take for granted the good and drive ourselves crazy over the bad...
Focusing on the Why Why Why when bad stuff happens

There are no good reasons why some things happen…..good or bad

Things happen in life…... Good things happen and bad things happen…

Sometimes good people are hurt and bad people seem to be rewarded….

I realized there will never be a good answer, an answer that satisfies me to some of these painful experiences..

Now acceptance is finally my answer

Someone in my life recently said to me “Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. You can accept a situation as being what it is and that doesn’t mean that you are happy about it or you have to agree with it”

When I heard this quote…the earth shook and time stood still……..REALLY…I can accept something as being what it is and not have to like it or approve of it..

What I have come up with for me is simple

I  try and accept good and bad…I may not like the bad but I can accept it if I have no control over it…

The things I can change for the better I will and the things I can’t change that I don’t have control over I can accept and let go…

Change what you can…accept what is…stop driving yourself crazy asking Why

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Seeing what is Real...Relationships

I have written a lot about relationships in my blog. Relationship with myself, relationship with friends, relationship with my higher power and relationships with my partners

What are my latest relationship lessons?

Shallowness and Selfishness don't work for me...

I would rather go an entire lifetime without speaking to another human being than being engaged in something that was shallow and lacked depth…

Webster defines shallow as:

·         Having little depth

·         Having little extension inward or backward

·         Lacking depth of feeling, thought or knowledge

I agree with this definition and I won’t have these type of relationships in my life

As I come to the middle of my life I am searching for new things in relationships. I am searching for those I can emotionally connect with. Those who are authentic, congruent and accepting….those I can sit with in silence and feel at ease…

Those I can say completely insane things to and they completely understand…and relate…

I don’t care what job an individual has or who their family is or what type of income or education they have…

I care about the important stuff…..can someone relate, emote, share, listen, love and trust…

I care about human spirit and kindness

I recently lost a relationship which had many of these qualities...the loss was painful

In reflecting about this loss I realized that even though it had many of the qualities I desired..... it was also very one-sided and selfish (me not being the selfish one)

My two relationship lessons for now are I can’t be involved in relationships that are shallow or one-sided and selfish...

I don’t want to drown in the shallow end of the pool nor do I want to be walked on as if I am a door mat or give until I have nothing left to give...

What I want and deserve is...What we all deserve is....

Love and Relationships in which we feel unconditionally supported; that  are committed, two-sided, honest, supportive, accepting, respectful, equal and deep....

Join me in finding equal, committed, two-sided and deep relationships with friends, colleagues and partners..

Those are the relationships that matter....We matter!!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

Green Green Grass

Have you ever heard the phrase "The grass is not always greener on the other side"?

It refers to always wanting what we don't have....

For a long long time I said that exact phrase to myself.....Why?

It was a way to rationalize the situations I was in…..to justify my unhappiness….the attitude of “it could be worse”…

Mary Mary be happy with what you have….stop wanting what you don’t have….

What is wrong with wanting what you don't have....can't I be grateful for what I have but also want more for myself???

First of all…whoever created that phrase I have this to say to you:

STOP BEING AFRAID…..how do you know the grass is not greener on the other side if you are too afraid to travel to that side and see for yourself…

It is safer to stay in one place and rationalize misery….I know I did that for many many years about many many things…

One day no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stay put so I decided to jump the fence and start a new life….

Guess what????

The grass was greener on the other side for me…..it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be to check it out….I actually liked it on the other side…decided to put down some roots and build a new house and stay for a while…not out of fear but out of hope and happiness…

I didn't forget about my old grass...I took with me what worked in my life and left the rest behind...

This isn’t about being ungrateful and always seeking what we don’t have….its about asking ourselves some hard questions…

Questions about our emotional and physical health, our relationships, our spirituality….our inner selves…

Looking for greener grass for me was not looking for outside things but inside things…

Looking for what created wellness and happiness in my life....it was about growth and change...

I am no longer afraid of change; I am no longer  afraid of living life to the fullest

I am not afraid of exploring, telling people my true feelings, asking for help when I need, loving myself and others..

Think about this….can’t you cherish your grass and also look on the other side….look toward things that will make you happier, spiritually fulfilled and serene…

Why does it have to be one side or the other….break the fence down…don’t be afraid to stretch yourselves...

Don't be afraid of growth and change

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

Control yourself or be control...what do you decide?

The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment that we realize we are not-Brian Kessler

Control less and trust more…

The condition of becoming a dumbass....Ignore the dumbass or become the dumbass...(for sensitive readers I will refer to this condition as DA)

What does that mean to you?

What it means to me is practicing new behaviors

 Realizing that I am not in control of people, places, things or DA(s)

I have come to let go of controlling others and I work only on controlling myself…..life is so much better this way

I  recognize that I have no control over anyone or anything except myself…I can argue with someone, pray that they will change, get angry, become codependent, cry, have temper tantrums, plead, beg, laugh, bribe and tickle….but the bottom line is…

That is a huge waste of my time and energy

The days that I forget I don’t control the universe are the days in which I am the most miserable human being to be around….I don’t even want to be around myself…

Those are the days where I argue with people and try to fix everything and those are the days I become a big old DA...supersized DA (hard to believe I know)

The days I remember to focus on my choices and how I conduct myself are days filled with serenity, peace and happiness…true joy...

Ask yourself this question:

Am I trying to control people, places and things….am I trying to control the universe?

Have you ever said to yourself “if they just did it the way I thought it should be done then I wouldn’t be so miserable"?

If you have…that’s okay…I have done that lots of times….we are human

What I do differently now is disengage from people, places and things that cause me grief and heartache and misery and I allow the process to run its course in those situations...I don't run that course anymore

I try and focus on myself and how I want to behave and how I want to respond. I choose to represent myself to the world as a serene, happy and free person….not all bound up with control issues..

Life is too short to act like a DA J

 Come with me and let's focus on what we can control….ourselves

The rest of the universe will fall into place as it should be...

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.