Waking Up and Realizing I am a Spoiled Brat

The gift of returning home

Most of you know I have traveled a lot in the last four years….been to Scotland, Ireland, Nicaragua three times, Guatemala, Bolivia, Slovenia and I am just returning home from Kenya

There is always an adjustment period when I return from any trip but especially returning from developing countries

This morning I was texting my friend from Kenya and I was going through the list of struggles I have had this week….

My tenure file is almost due and I am freaking out I might lose my job, misunderstanding at work, other work duties piling up, my ex, my sleep…..my weight

I had a moment of pure disgust when writing the text

Half way through the text I thought…”Mary you are an asshole”

I actually finished the text with me telling him I was an ass

For the obvious reasons ….but I will write them down just to give myself a good ass whooping

I am working on a tenure file…..that is right… I am an Assistant  Professor at an amazing, private university and I have a PhD…I have the privilege and opportunity to go up for tenure

A  miscommunication at work…how wonderful… it means I have a job to miscommunicate at

My Ex….no comment

My sleep….as I lay in my queen size bed with a memory foam mattress and a trillion threads of cotton sheets  and can’t sleep….WOW huge suffering

I need to lose 10 pounds…..YAY I have enough food to eat to be ten pounds overweight

My life is awesome, kids are great…I am loved

What moved me to start complaining like this upon my return?

It is the huge disbelief and feelings of being overwhelmed and helpless about the amount of suffering there is in this world

I was trying to find a way to rationalize that I have struggles too

LMAO

Okay we all struggle and yes there are things here that are not good…. violence, rape, abuse, child neglect

But honestly it is nothing like what happens in some places in the world

I feel back to my old (hey no comment) self this morning as I write this….

I don’t need to search for struggles of my own…to try and make sense of the suffering in the world…

What I need to do and will do

Is to never close my eyes and mind to what I know is happening in the world…what I must always do is remember the privileges I have being a citizen in a developed country.... and what I will always do is use that privilege to advocate for those who don’t have the opportunities…here and in the world…

How about we do that together

Love and Peace to You all Today

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

Being in Love in Kenya

 

Yesterday I did a workshop for adolescent girls and boys. I had them write down anonymous questions they may have had about relationships

Some pretty intense topics came out of those cards.....

One of the most interesting question that the kids asked me several times was....

What is love?

I have, as most of you know, written about love…

This question from kids and my time in Kenya has made me stop and re-evaluate what I think love is…

Some relationships here contain violence and assault…relationships worldwide contain violence and assault

What is love?

Reminders of what Dr. Mary G thinks love is

Love is not violent or assaultive

Loving someone should be holding someone up…being a better person for them

Love allows you to be imperfect and forgiving

Love opens the door to communication, even if the topics are difficult

Love is seeing through physical appearance

Love is unconditional

Love is an amazing and deep emotion that is hard to explain in words

I believe the above all to be true for me but I have recently been challenged on my definition of love…

Being in a different culture I have observed that many individuals here and maybe world wide don't express love like I do..

They may not openly show affection or be verbally expressive (just an observation, clearly this is not everyone)

But what I have observed is women carrying their babies on their backs for hours

Women washing clothes for their families hours by hand in the river

Men working long hours to earn a few shillings to provide food

People trying to provide basic needs for their families

People aging before their time.....struggling to survive

Teachers providing their own money to get students medical help; teachers who do not even make a living wage

Is this not love as well?

Many of us take our basic needs being met for granted

I hope to remember that love goes way beyond public displays of affection and soft spoken words

I can’t change who I am; affectionate and expressive... but I can remember that love is shown in many different ways by many people and it is just as valuable and important as the "I love you" and the hugs and kisses

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary Graham

 

 

 

The Understanding and Challenges

Those of you who know me know that I am a feeler…a processer…a thinker…

The first week in Africa has stretched me on all these levels…

Each day I come home with something new in my heart and mind

 

The love and tragedy of the people of Kenya.

Story after story

The story of a dead baby on the side of the rode…the story of domestic violence…the story of corruption and deceit from the government and police..

The story of women being separated from their children

Backstreet abortions

The incredible poverty that imprisons the slums of Nairobi

The ripped uniforms of the children

The hunger

The corruption of the government and police

The death by HIV

The death by Malaria

The death by so many curable diseases

Feeling isolated and alone

The blister on my heel from walking 6 miles a day through the slums

Being in the slums by myself not seeing another person that looks like me

The constant yells from the people

The aggressive man on the corner

At the end of this I felt like I was going to just sit down and cry…asking myself “What the hell am I doing in Africa by myself”

Then I was fed spiritually today and I remembered other things about my week

Faith

 

The power of the people

The love the people have for one another

The commitment to family

The reliance they have on each other

The strength of the women here

The smiles of the children

The love

The light

My pain and struggles are temporary in comparison to the people of Kenya and yet they hold faith, love and hope in their hearts…
In the darkness of what many Kenyans face everyday there is light

“If you don ‘t not believe that hearts can bloom suddenly bigger and that love can open like a flower out of even the hardest places then I am afraid that for you the road will be long and brown and barren and you will have trouble finding the light. But if you do believe then you already know all about the magic”  

I Believe!!!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

Afraid To Live...ME TOO!!!

I use to be afraid to die and afraid to live

I am not anymore

Well that is not entirely true

 I am definitely not afraid to die. We all die (sorry to shock you) and we don’t know when. I think we all hope we live long, quality lives; but there is no guarantee

I have made peace with death and what comes after death so that doesn’t weigh on my heart as it once did

 What did I mean when I said I was afraid to live?

There was a period of time in my life where I was afraid to take risks, to take challenges, to try something different, to live…

 Afraid of rejection, failure, my safety…just fearful of it all…

 I am not anymore

 I wake up and make different choices today….

 I accept invitations, I always try new things, I take risks, I tell people how I feel about them (even if it isn’t returned), I love deeply and with great passion, I approach people, I meet new people, I trust people, I believe the best about people...

I am not afraid to live…

 I keep my eyes open so life won’t pass me by…

 I acknowledge every wonderful thing about life…

What I am really really really afraid of today…is to NOT live and miss that opportunity

An opportunity that is taken from many people too early...an opportunity that will be taken from us someday...

 Don’t be afraid to live…open your eyes before it is too late...

If you fear anything...

Be afraid to waste this awesome opportunity called.......LIFE!

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

 

 

Love...Nothing to Do With It

Love has nothing to do with it…

Recently someone told me they ended a relationship with their partner and I told them I was sorry because I knew they loved that person….

They replied….Love has nothing to do with it…

I totally understood what they were saying

In the name of love people excuse poor behavior, stay in dysfunctional relationships and accept treatment that is unacceptable

You don’t have to be disrespected, devalued, taken advantaged of or used in the name of love…

Love doesn’t allow someone to talk rudely to you, to ignore your needs, to take from you, or to be selfish…

You don’t have to ride the crazy train because you love someone

Most of the time we are allowing ourselves to be treated badly by people we love that we are related to (family, our kids, etc.) or people that we have intimate relationships with….

How about considering creating some boundaries with people you love….not allowing them to tear you down or treat you poorly…

How about not losing yourself in the interest of your partner or family member

How about not thinking of yourself as not being good enough for any other scenario so tolerating what you have

How about not making the relationship more important than you are to yourself

Love has nothing to do with it…

Codependency Does

Look it up....you might be surprised at what you find out about yourself

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G

My Shattered Life: A Mosaic

Those of you who know me know that I have had some tough times….grew up hard…experienced tragedy...lost people I loved...

Two years ago the damn of build-up hurt, loss and rejection burst….…41 years of it came gushing through…

I  was spiritually bankrupt….at the bottom…I was lost

At that time most people didn’t know that about me

I was pretty good at keeping "my" stuff bottled up and putting on a happy face…..

Two years ago I couldn’t mask the pain by smiling or telling jokes anymore...I broke…I shattered….I was a pile of broken glass…..shards on the ground

I stood  at the crossroads

Life was going to improve or it wasn’t…there wasn’t going to be an in-between…I was going to gather those piece of glass and create a mosaic or I was going to get ground into the earth and stay shattered and broken…unable to repair

I chose the mosaic

The idea of a mosaic sounds lovely………..but its creation was not without pain

With that pain though, came liberation, empowerment and freedom....with that pain came true joy 
 
It was well worth the work

Because of our humanity any of us can get in a position where the glass breaks….whether it is pressure from small or large life events or a lifetime of build-up pains….

None of us are above this

If the glass shatters....It doesn’t have to destroy you…define you or imprison you….

It can be a chance to recreate you…

My mosaic today is made up of the old and the new….

It has God
It has love
It has acceptance
It has truth
It has beauty
It has the reflections of an amazing life
It has the promise of an amazing life

If I wouldn’t have shattered I may not have known true happiness, joy and serenity….

I may never have known God

I realize that pieces of my mosaic will chip off, change and become recreated as life takes its toll…. but I know how to pick those pieces up…and recreate something more beautiful, more durable and stronger…

Spiritual bankruptcy is unknown to me today

I have a bank full of awesome

Pick up the pieces and create your mosaic…it is never too late

Keeping it Real with Dr. Mary G.

 

 

 

 

Breaking the Bonds of Regret

Regret is a natural human feeling

A lot of people have written, sang, cried, gotten angry, blamed others and had breakdowns and break-ups over regret….

Regret is a powerful thing in our lives

Regret holds us prisoner, ties us down, entraps us, and beats us up…

It pushes us to act from places of guilt, fear and shame

It pushes us to drown it with food, booze, drugs, relationships, material goods….anything we get our hands on to help us lighten the weight of it…

A powerful emotion in our lives if we let it be

A life without regrets....Possible?

Yes and No

Regrets are made up of past things…things we wished we would not have done or wished we would have done…things that have already happened…things we let go or missed out on…

As humans we make mistakes and with those mistakes come regrets….

However, it Is possible to understand the nature of regrets and limit their impact on our lives

The cycle of beating yourself up with regrets is not the answer

Talking about them non-stop is not the answer

The answer is understanding  the nature of your regrets, learning from them, forgiving and letting go…and not creating new ones along the way…

This might mean you have to make some changes….might have to face some fears….might have to do things a little differently

I can say my life is less and less filled with regrets and more and more filled with contentment, happiness and satisfaction

It is nearly impossible for us to be full of regrets and full of contentment at the same time

Life is really too short….to let regrets hold you prisoner…put them behind bars where they belong

Take a chance on being contented, happy and satisfied….so much better to be free

Keeping it real with Dr. Mary G.